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Thursday
Apr252013

Primal Instincts

Each member of the animal kingdom conducts certain rituals in order to mate - the male peacock spider will perform a dance to impress his potential love-arachnid, the male porcupine will shower the female with urine before mating, and so on. The act of dating is essentially completing the task that the rest of these animals are executing. We are all just satisfying the natural urge to sustain our species. Unfortunately, humans are complex organisms, and spraying urine over a person of interest will not do the trick (unless you are into that sort of thing).

Dating is one of the most difficult endeavors each of us have to take. The voice of reason inside our heads gets shut off and the primal instincts - actions that are just shy of a caveman knocking a female on the head with a mastodon femur - completely take over. Luckily for us, there are seasoned pros who have learned lessons along the strange journey of finding love and can offer solid advice to calm down the inner-brute.

Nate is an individual who has successfully found a partner and is helping to sustain humanity for another generation. Time and time again, many of his girlfriends (i.e. friends that are girls) would come to him for advice on how to survive in the dating world. As he helped out his peers, Nate realized that are lessons that females, as a whole, can learn about their male counterpart and brought his knowledge to a blog titled, iNeedBoyAdvice.com.

We are lucky to have gained enough intelligence to communicate with members of the opposite sex on what we are doing wrong or things we can improve upon. The peacock spider does not have this luxury and will never know why his dance did not succeed in scoring some hot 16-legged action by the passing female. If we need to learn more about a certain behavior, we must seek out advice from those like Nate, learn from the lessons, evolve and overcome.

The future of your species is depending on it.

 

Crazy Quiz - 25 Crazy Things Girls Do

Everyone is a little crazy. Most people do a pretty decent job of managing that crazy though. In relationships however, crazy seems to spill out. That other person just gets under our skin. We can’t help ourselves and we know we’re acting crazy but they made us act that way! It gets worse though when we stop seeing our own crazy and the person we love most is pulling away (or running!) and we can’t figure out why. The good news is I’ve put together a post of the most common crazy things girls do with boys that ends up hurting (or ending) the relationship. Everyone should read this. If you don’t do anything on this list, excellent! Chances are though you are off the market since guys lock down (aka put a ring on it) girls who manage their crazy.

Now, not all crazy is created equal. I grouped the items into categories so you can get an understanding of your crazy score.

Level 1: Annoying activities, worth 1 point
Level 2: Kind of crazy activities, worth 3 points
Level 3: Legit terrifying crazy, worth 10 points.
Level 4: Super crazy, stop keeping track – you broke the quiz.

Level 1:
1) Call all the time. If your call log has your boy’s name 8 times in a row, you call too often.

2) Text all the time. If the thought of him out bowling with friends leaves you heartbroken, take a deep breath and put the phone down. You’ll live, I promise.

3) Making Facebook / Twitter / Google + / new social media platform I don’t know about statuses about fights the two of you are having. 2 points, if your messages are passive aggressive, don’t mention his name, but everyone know who are you are talking about.

4) Start fights for no reason. Any attention is good right? Wrong! Constantly fighting is emotionally exhausting and sooner rather than later he’s going to meet a girl who likes him without the drama.

5) Saying “I love you” way too early. If you tell him “I love you” before the waiter brings your entrée on the first date or really anytime in the first 3 months, WAY TOO EARLY. Seriously, you’re not in love, you’re smitten. Big difference.

6) Talking about ex BFs all the time. This is usually done to make him jealous or because you’re not over your ex. Downside: will piss him off — not make him jealous. Upside: you’ll be single soon, so you can reconnect with your ex.

Level 2
7) Accuse him of cheating every time he talks to a girl. He knew other girls before he met you. Expecting him to stop talking to all of them now that you’re in his life is REALLY crazy. That being said if you keep it up, he might make you right!

8) Verify his “alibi.” I put alibi in quotes because that’s how you treat every explanation for where he’s been when he wasn’t with you. You know who else has alibis? Criminals. Treat your boy like one and he will act like one.

9) Search his phone / email / FB. Seriously ladies, this is really not cool. You don’t trust him so you violate his trust. At this point why even bother pretending you are in a relationship? Without trust you don’t have a relationship.

10) Create a fake online identity to hit on him or spy on him. Also known as entrapment in the legal community. If you’re this insecure, maybes it’s best you are single.

11) Stalk his ex girlfriends. This one is just bad karma. Eventually you’ll be ex girlfriend and the next crazy chick is going to stalk you!

12) Ask his boys to spy on him or tell you where he has been. Very stupid. You know the saying “Chicks before dicks” and “Bros before hoes.” They are 100% accurate. Expect them to tell your boy about your not very well thought out plan. Also expect them to lie to you. Also expect them to tell him you’re crazy. Finally expect them to tell him about the cute bartender who thinks he is hot and wants to know if he’s single. He’s about to be.

13) Start fights with his mom or any family member for that matter. Families are a lot to handle already without putting him in the middle. You don’t want those people in the world closest to him actively undermining you.

14) Call his job – its 2013, we all have cell phones. He may even have a personal line at work. It’s fine to call that within reason. You don’t however need to call the main office number and expect his coworkers to be his personal assistant and take messages. Let’s be serious you’re going to dump him if he loses his job, so why are you putting his job at risk?

15) Make a scene in public. For me personally that is an immediate deal breaker. Don’t find out the hard way your guy thinks the same way I do.

16) Cry to manipulate him. It’s super effective the first time, no denying that. But if it keeps happening it loses its effectiveness quickly. Remember what happened to boy who cried wolf? He got eaten and died. Don’t cry wolf with your boy.

17) Hate on his female best friend. She can be your biggest ally or your biggest enemy. Remember she’s outlasted the last 12 girls he’s brought around, don’t make it a bakers dozen.

Level 3
18) Lie compulsively. Most people are terrible at lying. Most people also think they are great liars. Accept that you’re not. Just because he doesn’t call you on a lie doesn’t mean he believes you. This never ends well.

19) Follow him in real life. Notice a theme with some of these concepts? Performed by law enforcement and crazy women. Watch a cop show, the suspects never fall in love with the cop who is treating them like a criminal.

20) Park outside his house. Ahh, a good old-fashioned stakeout. Don’t bring too much to drink or be prepared wear a diaper like the NASA chick who kidnapped her ex boyfriends current girlfriend (She’s in jail). Remember if you ask to use his bathroom after you waited outside his house, it reduces the impact of terrifying him. Also if he says no, doing your pee-pee dance while screaming at him from the driveway, is incredibly un-sexy and a violation of #15 – Don’t make a scene in public.

21) Diss him in public. A mans ego is sacred. Just like you would freak out if he called you fat and ugly in public, expect a very BAD reaction.

22) Hit on his friends. Flip the script. How would you feel if he was hitting on your friends? Soon he might be when he’s single and looking for a new girl.

23) Physically hit him. We all agree guys should never hit a lady, but it goes both ways, no violence in a healthy relationship.

Level 4:
24) Threaten suicide. No jokes here. You should seek professional help.

25) Fake a terrible event. As soon as he finds out you made it up, he will be disgusted with you. There is a better way. Desperation is not attractive.

Scoring:
Now add up your score from the 3 sections to get your total crazy score then use the legend below:

0-6: Not crazy, or #18 a compulsive liar! Either way congrats!
7-25: Normal crazy — keep it under control and you’re a keeper
26-50: Legit crazy girl — time for self-reflection and change in behavior
50+: Yeah….this is bad.

–Nate

 

Perform the dance.  

 

Nate | Age 29 | U.S.A.

Walked the entire Great Wall of China just to see what was on the opposite end.

References (7)

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